New Dungeons And Dragons Monsters

• Some kind of very dangerous pig.
• A dragon with an incredible sense of smell or style. Not both. 
• Orcs who can ride a moped, but choose not to. 
• Magic fruit people with a caste based society. 
• Communists.
• A golem made out of DVD copies of the movie "Showgirls".
• The opposite of a sphere. And it's a vampire. But a vampire for piss. 
• A big scrotum. 
• Mike from work. 
• Obesity. 
• The living audit!
• An Owlbearbear. 
• A very mean horse. 
• Grammar. 
• A bunch of wasps that share a mind with Louis Theroux. 

A letter to the Police from the Police Chief

Hello,

I'd like to begin this letter by telling you all how proud I am of the Police of this city, the men and women of this department have performed an exemplary service over the five years since I took office and I owe each of you a debt of thanks. 

By now I'm sure many of you are aware of the staggering increase in pure crime that has hit the streets of the city in the last month, either through direct experience of the crime or merely by having heard it mentioned by someone else in a conversation or having read about it somewhere. For those few of you who are unaware of the staggering increase in pure crime that has hit the streets of the city in the last month, a staggering increase in pure crime has hit the streets of the city in the last month. Do not panic.

The new crime stampede is unusual when compared to the more commonplace crimes of murder, attempted murder of assassination and as such, it has proven difficult to police using traditional methods.

Simply put, the giant spilliage of crime is at it's core, a dance. And insidious dance that incorporates other crimes into it's basic movements. That would be bad enough, but the dance is protected by copyright - any perpetrators are guilty of the crimes within the dance and also the crime of idea theft. Double crime. It gets worse, you see the dance has been outlawed by the law that makes it illegal to do the dance. Triple crime. I'm sure I don't have to explain that this makes it the most criminal act that has ever occurred. Because it is.

You will all be issued with basic percussion instruments, go forth from the stations tonight armed with your maracas, woodblocks and triangles and use them arhythmically. Our best hope is to take away the opportunity for dance crime by sabotaging the very notion of 4/4 musical time. You will be arranged into squads and assigned a unique time signature to keep playing whenever you're on duty, thus making it impossible to dance to.

Good luck, be safe out there and keep the streets free of crimedance.

Yours,
Cheif Hobomountain Bonfire.

A Mountain Lion's Musing

Am I missing out?

I mean, the mountain is great, I love the mountain, don't get me wrong. Lived on the mountain my whole life. Mountain Lion. It's in the name. I'm just thinking, maybe I could be something else. Like a farm cat. Is that a thing?

A farm? Am I saying it right? Faaaaarm. I think it's basically a kind of flat mountain... but it's made of food and there's a lot of fancy animals there.

I feel like I'm not developing here. Sure, I hunt deer... white-tailed deer... mule deer... elk... other kinds of deer... I pretty much just hunt deer. I'm not obsessed with deer, I just never knew anything else. Maybe I could hunt other things, I've heard of so many; sharks, mirrorballs, limes, boxes... I don't even know what they are, but boy, they sound exotic. I bet I'd be good at hunting them.

I could live in a bigger cave, maybe one with a curtain over the front of it. Or one really near a herd of mirrorballs, like really near their watering hole or whatever they have.

I 'm looking forward to the sunset tonight though. I like those. Sunsets are great. Who even knows if they have them at the farm? I'd miss them. Miss them a lot. Maybe it's always night there. Farms a creepy.

I'll probably be fine in the cave for another night.Maybe I'll go find the farm tomorrow. Yep.

Man, I'd love to eat a mirrorball though. I bet they taste like deer. 

Improbable Return To Bullshit

Hello,

Inexplicably this thing has clocked well over 1300 pageviews in the ten months or so since I started vomiting tat into the ether.

Thanks, I don't have the faintest idea who you are, but if you liked things I wrote - great!

The Edinburgh Festival is fast approaching and I have content to create. In the past material I've "sounded out" on this thing has actually proven really useful, even if only as a basis for subsequent work; to that end (pretty sure that's a legit semicolon right there) I'm going to try to write more stuff here. In the vain hope that it'll help me generate sketch/standup/other material.

So then. Caveats.

I expect this to be a land that editing did not get around to visiting. A place composed entirely of first drafts with little in the way of editing (mainly spelling and grammar). A home for material that doesn't work yet and may never.

So, again; thanks for reading this.

I'll try to use it more. For reals. 

(Also, if you are one of an improbably large number of readers, do say hello in the comments).

Fun Zoo The Max

Sure, the zoo is enjoyable, but what would make it more fun?

More fun would! Add more fun!

How? This;

Try to line the cage bars up with a zebra's stripes so it looks like it's just a brown horse.

Bring an animal to the zoo with you and try to sneak it in to an enclosure. But be careful to add it to one that suits it; cats in with the lions, hamsters in with meerkats, dogs get to go in with wolves, goldfish with... they just go in water, in any water. This way they'll all have things to talk about.

Elephants. Dress as a peanut. Then flee, Pamploma style.

Find a leopard and talk to it. They don't care about what. They just love talking. 

Take some compact discs and try to throw them onto the horn of a rhino. Also, get the rhino a CD player so it can enjoy some sweet tunes. Remeber, don't give them any classical music, they are shallow beasts who prefer RnB.

Batman's Diary

May 12th

Long night sitting on rooves... roofes... roofses (?) and that, defending the people of Gotham by watching them at night. Got very bored after a while, but made up songs to pass the time. Information I got from the kid I beat up paid off though, after ages, The Joker turned up with a few lads and was planning on blowing up the hospital, but with fish or something; only - like deadly fish that emit that stupid fucking gas of his. Anyway, I interrupted by punching and doing some kicks on them, I had a great time. Joker hid towards the end of the fight but I managed to catch him using the "shave and a haircut" bit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Classic. Might watch that before bed. Beat the Joker up obviously. Like, a lot. Dropped him off at Arkham on the way home, new guard on duty was "weird" at me. Like he was impressed, but he was annoyed that he was impressed by me. What's that about?

Wish Mum and Dad were here.

May 14th

"Bruce" had a converation with Commisioner Gordon at some charity thing. I dropped loads of hints and he still has no idea! Brilliant.

May 15th

Considering hiring another child to work alongside me. No idea where that thought came from. In other news; I bought a frigging tank. AMAZE!

Also, Joker escaped again. That guard got killed, so I feel a bit bad about not liking him now. Still haven't watched Roger Rabbit.

May 17th

Two-Face is getting weirder. Tonight I tracked him down at his hideout in the docks, but when I burst in he was dressed as a giant crow and blowing some asian guy. He said the coin made him do it. I've been trying to figure out exactly what series of coin tosses lead to that and am none the wiser.  Punched them a lot though. Brilliant. Dropped Harvey off at Arkham and just left the other guy in town, wasn't sure what to do there. I'm not convinced he was a criminal. Will keep tabs though, just in case.

Made a picture of Mum and Dad again out of pasta. Put it in the cave with the others. 5,058 now.

May 18th

Had to go to the Moon for a Justice League meeting today. Got into another stupid argument with Wonder Woman about her "right to choose". She's pretty though, but she's angry at everything all the time. She wants more women on the team, Flash pointed out it's not about gender it's about superpowers. And everyone looked at me, but I said "I'm the Goddamn Batman." and they laughed. Except WW.

It's hard to tell but I think there's another, different guy in the Green Lantern costume. Where the hell do they go? They can't all get killed can they? There's a new one every week for god's sake. 

Superman invited me over for dinner tomorrow at the Fortress of Solitude, I said yes, but I hate it there. It's not like I can get a cab home, I can't drink and fly the Batwing and I'm not having him fly me home again. Not that he'll drink and fly though, but he won't drink if I'm not drinking. Why don't we just eat upstairs? I'll call him in a minute. Or just start talking out loud and assume he can hear me. Actually, that's really creepy? If he can hear people in trouble, can he hear them on the toilet? Like all the time? Ugh.

Garden Ramones

When I was about seven, I found the Ramones at the bottom of my garden. Tommy, Johnny, Joey and Dee Dee; all about six inches in height and they were sat around a tiny table, laughing and playing poker with tiny cards. Of course, I was seven, I had no idea who the Ramones where and didn't even think to question why a quartet of tiny, American, punk-pioneers were doing in Liverpool beneath a perennial. You do that when you're a kid, don't you? You just accept stuff.

Anyway, they were freaking out. Looking back I think it was the size difference, I must have seemed terrifying from their perspective. They vanished into the other plants, leaving only the small table, cards and tiny chips. Dee Dee had a high flush and had tricked the others into betting big, so now understanding the rules of poker, I feel quite bad.

I've never been able to listen to their music without an album cover nearby. So I can see them to scale. 

The Most Dangerous Gameshow

I propose a new reality-wildlife-gameshow wherein we challenge some established truths about the food chain by making animals compete head to head for points.

For example, we all know how dangerous the shark is. Bitey, swift and intimidating are but a few of its attributes, it is clearly king of the sea-people. But what happens when "La parte del diente submarina grande" comes into direct inescapable conflict with a new creature. In this case, the fuzzy-old-man of the woods, the bee.

Agile, quick-to-anger and with a butt full of poison, the bee is one of the forest's most known animals. Able to sense its prey through dance from a distance of over eight centimetres the "petite balle d'étamine" is nothing if not dedicated to whatever task it has exclusively known since "birth".

Upon entering the "Enviro-sphere" the shark is inititially very agitated, flailing around in the 12 inches of water in the "Combat-pool", it does however calm down. The bee though is difficult to see, after three minutes it becomes apparent that it has stung a runner who died from anaphalaxis soon after the bee matyred itself. The shark is also dead.

Proving once and for all that the greatest predator is television.

Things Robots Are Scared Of.

1. Ghosts
2. Oxidation
3. Robocop
4. Some chimps
5. Magnets
6. Electro-Magnets
7. Intimacy
8. The Inquisition 
9. Commitment
10. Intimate-Magnets

Kaiju

Godzilla sits in the bay looking thoughtfully at Tokyo, he has not moved for an hour. The armed forces, having rushed to the shoreline with their truck mounted rocket launchers and such, wait for the monster to advance. A team of scientists scurry around the consoles that control a "Hyper-Electromagnetic-Atom-Thundercannon" checking dials and maintaining charges and pressures while a smaller team of scientists frantically declares to anyone who will listen that to fire the weapon would only make the monster stronger. News  helicopters, made confident by the monster's apparently placid nature, fly ever closer to the giant lizard, reporters make redundant observations about the scene and offer unfounded theories and opinions for the break in the regular routine of destruction. A seagull settles on Godzilla's right shoulder.

A long moment of tense tranquility. The monster speaks:

"My home closed to me,

both your hero and villain,

I seek peace elsewhere."

Silence. The bird flies away. 

The monster slowly turns and leaves, wading deeper into the ocean, futher and further away from the city. He does not look back.

Tokyo is destroyed by guilt.